“I tell you how I feel,

But you don’t care.

I say tell me the truth,

But you don’t dare.

You say love is a hell

You cannot bear.

And I say gimme mine back,

And then go there,

For all I care.

I got my feet on the ground

And I don’t go to

Sleep to dream…

You got your head

In the clouds

And you’re not at

All what you seem…”

–Fiona Apple

So, it’s been just about 24 hours, and already, eHarmony is behaving like that dude you gave your number to when you were bored, lonely and two-drinks-past-tipsy at the party last night. In other words, it’s #DoingTooMuch.

So far, I’ve received over a dozen emails alerting me that (one) dude “can’t stop smiling” at every single picture of me (which isn’t creepy at all); overtures from two clearly unsuitable matches (both well outside of my setting limits), and an extremely limited crew of other dudes (who seemingly have nothing to do with anything I’ve indicated that I’m looking for).

To make matters worse, I still haven’t figured out how or why eHarmony has retained my email since my first month-long trial — in 2006 (CREEEEEEEEPY). But even creepier? I still have unanswered messages from NINE. YEARS. AGO.

And those matches are STILL HERE?!?

That would literally make eHarmony the Purgatory of dating sites. I don’t even believe in purgatory; but I’m starting to. I sh*t you not: I wouldn’t be surprised if someone passed me a “Handbook for the Recently Deceased” in here. (Shout out to “Beetlejuice”—Three times.)

Bottom line: I’m already regretting this, and wondering if a swift retreat-and-block might be the answer, or even possible. But for the sake of scientific research—and perhaps, my future happiness—I’m forging ahead.

Because, scientific research—and singledom. At the very least, we can say that I tried.

By contrast, I’ve also been exploring Bumble, which is supposedly the thinking woman’s answer to Tinder.

From what I’m seeing, it’s basically the online version of “The Bachelorette”—but way, way better (because you’d actually want to date these guys). I’m talking phases of Fassbender, glimpses of Gosling and musings of Mcconaughey all over the place—and for the record, only 2-out-of-3 of those turn me on.

In fact, all of these dudes are so damned hot, I can’t escape the feeling that they are either actually stock photos (because their pics are as well-curated as…mine), paid models, or *gasp* gay (because honestly, the only place I’ve ever seen this many fine-ass men online is in the feeds of my gay male friends—who clearly have impeccable taste, and even higher standards).

Seriously: These men are so good-looking, I can only imagine that actually dating one or more of them would be a let-down, since the reality could not possibly exceed the rich fantasy life I am cultivating in my mind…

Which (once again) makes me a hypocrite, because…wasn’t I just complaining about being forced to compete with the online version of myself? Oh, yeah; I was.

But I can’t escape the feeling that all of these pretty, polished boys posing in the Hamptons aren’t exactly looking for me on the buffet, either. That is, if they actually even exist. Frankly, they aren’t even posing in a world I’d want to inhabit; but I’ll happily visit, on occasion.

So, here we are: a day later (and several subscription dollars shorter), wondering how in the hell did I get here? And who—if anyone—will be my way back out?

Just promise me this: Since (most of) you insisted on a blog, tell me that I won’t have to go through this alone.

  • Hassan El-Gendi

    “But, for the sake of scientific research–and perhaps, my future happiness–I’m forging ahead.” – forge behind! eharmony sounds like digital headaches lol

    more power to you on diversifying your options though; i’m barely bumbling through tinder, let alone seriously using any of the other usual dating sites. though all the iterations you’ve been mentioning makes me want to start a site/app called “dayting” that hooks up potential matches only during daylight hours and only in well populated public places.. which will send notification to two lifelines to save you from a bland (or potentially unsafe) date. please pardon the random aside because ADD..

    • Mai

      You might be onto something there. I suggest you get that into development, before someone steals that idea!

      • Hassan El-Gendi

        alrighty then lol i have the vision but not the skills or network to even attempt a mock up… know any app developers/coders out there?

        • Mai

          Shake some trees. FB is your friend, in that respect.

          • Hassan El-Gendi

            got it.

  • Diane Cheadle

    I’m right here (well here not there) with you love… sitting in my office, playing hooky and reading your latest adventures down tinder-now-onlinedating-land 🙂 xxxxx

    • Mai

      *smooches*

  • Maurice Thompson

    This is hilariously intriguing… I’m all in.

  • MsK_NY

    Hey to be honest I think e-Harmony sucks. They don’t delete profiles and match you with people who haven’t logged in in like 10 years and are probably happily married. I think they don’t have enough current data /users and thus don’t get rid of the old data so if you ever created a profile – even if you are not active – they still match you with someone. Have you tried “How about We”?

    • Mai

      I haven’t…but you are the second person to suggest that to me this week, so perhaps I should!

About the author

Who me? I'm just your average Grammy-nominated goddess next door. May I borrow a cup of sugar? But seriously: I'm a musician, model, writer, all-around creative and devoted auntie. Like you, I'm just out here in the universe, trying to make it happen...whatever that is.