“It could all be so simple,

But you’d rather make it hard…”

–Lauryn Hill

Confession

Is THIS why I’m single?

72 hours ago, I was high on life, newly smitten with “The Scribe,” and prepared to throw (almost) all caution to the wind, because…romance, damn it! And today? The Scribe is back on the West Coast (at least, for the week), and I’m a bundle of nerves, confusion, and longing.

Seriously, Y’all: I spent most of Saturday alternating between craving his company, contemplating all of the reasons we cannot possibly work, watching a “Sex and the City” marathon, and solo-swilling rosé. For the record, that is basically a recipe for disaster for an over-thinker like me.

So, what’s the problem, exactly? Honestly, I don’t know. Let me over-think it for a sec:

I mean…this is what I said I wanted, right? Repeatedly—right here, in this very blog—I’ve said I want a guy who won’t allow the opportunity to be with me pass him by. I believe I’ve even said I wasn’t hoping or expecting to find him online; just that the experiment might “shake something lose”, maybe spark a little magic. I’ve said I want a guy who sincerely respects—and matches—my intelligence and talent (and idiosyncrasies). No big deal; just a magical, mystical unicorn of a guy who loves music, loves my hustle, digs my stories (even when they’re about him), and knows how to focus—on me.

In fact (all stalkerish overtones aside), this hypothetical, “real deal” guy won’t keep his eyes, his hands, or his mind off of me; and the feeling will be—hypothetically—mutual. Because of course, this would be a guy I not only have great chemistry with, but who has great manners, great grammar, great kisses, a great mind, and a great story of his own. You know, because the hypothetical guy in my head, he’s…great.

So, is The Scribe that hypothetical guy in my head? It’s far too soon to tell for sure; but he’s been doing a fairly good imitation of him for the past week or so.

It’s intense. And frankly, it’s scaring the hell out of me.

Because if he is that guy, that would mean that this was all way, way too easy. It might even mean that there was no point to this project at all, since he was here the entire time, and not online. Most alarming: What would it mean if the minute things start to slow down and settle somewhat, I freak out and make a break for it?

Wouldn’t it mean that I’m the girl who cried wolf, because I’m the one with the commitment issues?

Okay, so maybe it’s not that simple. After all, I’ve been in several long-term (and very settled) relationships—not to mention the ones I’ve attempted to be in, that never actualized. And, as I’ve said many times by now, this project was supposed to be about doing the things I’ve never done when it comes to relationships: exploring my options, really getting clear on what I want, allowing myself to see and be seen fully, and ensuring—for once—that I’m actually choosing, rather that just settling for who shows up.

And no, The Scribe isn’t a slouch to be settled for. So, why do I find myself looking this gift horse in the mouth—poking and prodding, picking fights and picking him apart for flaws and clues that might disqualify him from consideration? Why am I suddenly asking for space to back up and catch my breath when, mere days ago, I was so eagerly “leaning in”?

Am I just fickle? Foolhardy? F**ked up beyond repair?

Perhaps. Or, maybe this is the side effect of leaning in that I didn’t consider: that I risk losing focus when our faces are that close together; that, of course, it’s hard to catch my breath when it’s intermingling with another’s; that if I lean in far enough to start falling, I may not be able to stop myself, let alone control the speed or depth of my fall. So…perhaps it’s best not to lean too far, too fast?

Yeah, I know: I’m over-thinking it. But this is my life—and if all goes well, possibly my love. I’ve invited you all to witness it; but ultimately, I’ll have to live with it. How much is too much thought, when it comes to your life?

Of course, this would all be far less complicated if he wasn’t so damned…great.

On his last night in town, when I tell him all of these things—at first angrily, then in exasperated tears—I wait for him to throw his hands up in frustration, to make the decision for both of us. Save yourself, I think. Don’t let me waste your time. What if it isn’t worth your trouble?

I ask him what he wants. What will make him happy? He says that of course, he wants it work out between us, if possible. Even if that means we need to slow down, so I can catch my breath. Yes, even if I need to continue dating awhile longer, so that I really know what—and who—I’m choosing.

“I want you to figure it out,” he says.

Yeah, me too. We both deserve that.

At a temporary loss for words, we spend some time in silence. Then, he holds me really, really close for a few moments, before he leaves for home—in LA. And suddenly, there I am, alone again. I finally can catch my breath, and have my plenty of space to clear my head. Great.

Except…the moment he left, I wanted him to come back.

 

 

 

  • Rah One Love

    It sounds like he wants you. You’re as much a mythical unicorn as he is. You have a set of qualities that are hard to find together in a person. I doubt either one of you is settling for the other from a position of lack of options or could easily completely replace the other.

    If you go on a date, will you be distracted, thinking of him? Also, maybe more important, could he go on a date without being distracted thinking of you?

    It seems to me that you’re right on track to find the love you describe with a great partner. You’re actively in control of the throttle, speeding up and slowing down based on what you thoughtfully decide is the right pace for you.

    As a reader, this is pretty exciting.

  • Cali

    More to say later, but here are my initial two-cents.

    Cent One: You put in the Universe what you wanted, set about moving in that direction (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and something akin to that has manifested. Congratulations on being able to do so! That “Law of Attraction” stuff is a mystery that millions (if book sales and websites are any indication) seek to unravel every day. Even if this thing is not THE thing, you’re recognizing what it can look and feel like. That’s a big deal. Thank you, Universe.

    Cent Two: As a fellow over-thinker, it seems that you are intensely attached to the outcome. Understandable, but counterproductive. Which you already know, because you’re whip smart and self-aware. One reason you like The Scribe is that he’s doing better than showing up. He’s fully present and has (thus far) shown himself to have a good head on his shoulders. If he were the guy who said “why do you want me? Maybe you should go after someone else…” I imagine you’d be turned off by that (because I would be). Even more than hinting at an insecurity that is NOT your job to fix for another person, it’s essentially saying “I don’t believe you. I don’t think you have good enough judgment to know what you want or what could work in your life, Maiysha.” I’d be insulted by that on your behalf.

    So perhaps it’s time to try one more thing you may not have fully done in the past: trust. Trusting the Universe to know what it’s doing in your life without so much attachment to the outcome; trusting yourself to know that whatever the outcome may be, you can handle it (and deserve everything wonderful); and trusting The Scribe to know what he wants and that *his* self-awareness/judgment are sound. It’s easy to say “of course he wants you! Look how amazing you are!” But we both know there are men who recognize our sunshine, yet still can’t handle the glare (shout out to Common).

    And at the end of the day, if he’s not a match, he’s not a match. No one’s fault. He’s not *really* a unicorn, after all. He’s just a man. There are more of them.

    • Mai

      Great insights. All true. The “trust” part is always a struggle…

      • Cali

        You’re a loving, thoughtful, and socially responsible person. You wouldn’t do that with malice. I think he knows that. So whether or not he gets hurt or to what extent he allows it to affect his world is ultimately on him. Ah, romance. 😉

  • Meredith R. Fitzpatrick

    Everything Cali said. If it is a match, they it is…if it isn’t then it isn’t. This is romance, trust it.

  • Elizabeth Graham

    How long have you been single? Maybe you forgot the sacrifices of dating. Or maybe you aren’t ready to date, maybe he isn’t worthy, or maybe you just needed more of “you time”. Its hard to tell by the post. In any relationship, there are time we just want to be alone. That doesnt mean you don’t care for the person. But sometimes we know something isnt right and we put up a wall, and then feel guilty after. The practical guy isnt always the right guy.

    I wish I could give you advice, but I’m single too.

About the author

Who me? I’m just your average Grammy-nominated goddess next door. May I borrow a cup of sugar?

But seriously: I’m a musician, model, writer, all-around creative and devoted auntie. Like you, I’m just out here in the universe, trying to make it happen…whatever that is.