Day 3

(If I keep this up, I’ve got to find a new name for these; “The Tinder Trap,” perhaps? I’m open to suggestions):

Okay, I’ve got questions: A growing list of them, actually (warning: minor rant may ensue). To begin with: is every man on this thing a triathlete/surfer/skier/hiker/hang-glider/devotee to the cult of Crossfit who loves to do Tough Mudders in his spare time and owns a dog that he seems to be far more into than he could ever be into another human being?

If so, can someone please redirect me to where the OTHER guys are?

And speaking of profile pics, what’s with all the sunglasses? Like, in EVERY PIC? Take note: that’s not cool or mysterious — it’s creepy. And makes me highly suspicious that you look like the Phantom of the Opera without them. Oh, wait. Are you visually impaired? My bad.

And what’s with the “Where’s Waldo?” group shots? Who am I looking for? Oh, you? Over there in the corner, next to your much taller, cuter homeboy? So…is your homie single? And is posting pics of yourself cozied up to other women intended to make you look desirable? Because it just makes you look dumb enough to bring sand to the beach, Dude.

Oh, and I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but every time someone takes a bathroom selfie, an angel loses its wings. No joke. (PSA of the Day: You know your iPhone headphones double as a self-release/remote camera cord, right? And that mirrors aren’t exclusive to bathrooms?) Nothing is less sexy than a toilet in the background of your carefully composed “Blue Steel” (though I did just see a dude with a bus stop sign in the background of his). And those shirtless bathroom selfies? All I wonder is: where are your people?

Oh. They’re busy taking their own bathroom selfies, aren’t they?

As for progress, I’ve entered the communication stage with a few prospects. So far, no stupidity (or sparks), but the day is young. Meanwhile, who knew Tinder would increase my follows on FB? Still trying to decide how I feel about that. I mean, points for initiative, I guess, but…this is where I live, Sir.

About the author

Who me? I'm just your average Grammy-nominated goddess next door. May I borrow a cup of sugar? But seriously: I'm a musician, model, writer, all-around creative and devoted auntie. Like you, I'm just out here in the universe, trying to make it happen...whatever that is.